The Convenience Christian and the Anal-Retentive Atheist

My favorite conversation topics are the ones that are most likely to infuriate and inflame: religion and politics. As the election season prepares to enter its prime, I'll soon have more than enough fodder to have you (and me) frothing at the mouth, choking on our seething rage and mourning the prolonged and agonizing death of common sense. Instead, I will regale you with my thoughts on but one of the world's religions, with all the positives, negatives and what-the-fucks of the modern Christian. I will also touch base on the antithesis of religion, with all the positives, negatives and go-fuck-yourselves of the modern atheist.

Let me start this off with saying that I don't hate Christians, I don't hate the idea of religion, Christianity included, but I DO hate what it's become used for, and even more, I hate the ignorance of what people claim to believe and the blatant hypocrisy that has become the norm. It USED to be uncommon knowledge that I was once a Sunday School teacher, having attended the same church for over a decade. I still have a Holy Bible with my named embossed in gold that my great-grandmother purchased for me. Well, as a child, it's all fairly simple, isn't it. It was for me, at least in the beginning: Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. This went for everyone until you started wising up to the pastor's not-so-subtle digs at teen moms and homosexuals. OK, fine, those people are bad? Got it. Let's keep going. DUDE! The pastor's 17 year old daughter's pregnant! She's now a bad person, right? No? What do you mean we don't talk about it? Are you serious? Hey, mom, Aunt Theresa's a lesbian, the Bible says we should kill her, right? What? So the people that the Bible says are terrible are only terrible if we aren't related to them? Fuck this.

Then there's the Biblical blanket statements that pastor's use to indoctrinate their sheep. I mean flock.

"Homosexuality is a sin."
"Obey the Ten Commandments."
"Jesus dies for your sins."

Wait a second, do you know what the difference between the old and new testaments is?

I'll give you a second to think about it.

Figure it out? No? The New Testament is where Jesus comes into play. That entire "died for your sins" bit, New Testament. That "sacrifice a lamb" shit, Old Testament. As Christians are supposed to be following the teachings of Jesus, I'll keep to a lot of that. The Old Testament's framework of how people were to live (where the ONE Biblical quote about homosexuality comes from) was to be superseded by the New Testament, and Jesus' new idea of "Look, I'm going to die for your sins, don't be a douchebag." (Paraphrased, of course.)  Why am I making a point out of this? Because it makes all the difference in the world in what Christianity was SUPPOSED to be and the mockery it has made of itself.

Anytime someone quotes some hateful, stupid shit (mostly that Leviticus quote about a man laying with another man to illustrate how "Jesus hates fags), it's probably from the Old Testament. The Old Testament also says that the Jews of (what is now) Isreal are the "Chosen People." Not us. Not America. Isrealis: you win, congratulations! People of Alabama: God doesn't like you as much. It's in your book that you don't read.

But, back to the hypocrisy and ignorance. My biggest gripe about the modern-day Christian, and YES, this is a blanket statement, but I totally stand by this as more true than not, is that the same people who claim that the Bible is the undiluted word of God don't read the book. And if they DO, they ignore parts that would directly condemn them.

Rush Limbaugh is out there, screaming about gays and liberals raising taxes and something about Mexicans. Mitt Romney is going around to the Middle East telling Israel that they are better than Palestine because their per-capita income is higher (no joke). And Fox News is out there with their "Obama Declares War On (Something dear to your heart)" Mad Lib, generally when he attempts to do something to help the lower class.

Mr. Limbaugh's discussion of gays ruining the sanctity of marriage bit is far less compelling when you think of Jesus saying "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9, fellas.)

Mitt Romney, who is celebrated as a man of the Lord (even if some worry about his Mormon offshoot of Christianity not being "Christian enough"), would do well to remember another quote of Jesus: "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.'" (Matthew 19:23-24; Matthew's a good book, isn't it?)

As for Rupert Murdoch and his Fox News associates, there's always: "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."(Proverbs 31:8-9)

So, hopefully you can start to see why a lot of people who aren't Christian get upset at the louder and more stereotypical Christian rhetorics.

On the flip side, though, are the asshole atheists, the ones who say shit like "I don't believe in Jesus." or "I only believe in myself." Oh, shut the fuck up. Jesus WAS, and this IS documented, a real dude. Saying "I don't believe in Jesus." is like saying "I don't believe in Napoleon Bonaparte." Sure, you might believe that he wasn't the son of God, born of an immaculate conception (I'm right there with you buddy), but dismissing his progressive and socialist (GASP!) ideas warrant some respect. I mean, the dude turned water into wine! Jesus was a dude who knew a nice Cabernet Sauvignon is better than Aquafina any day of the week, what's not to like?

Sure, a shit ton of people who identify with Christianity are total fucking twats, but there are some genuinely good people who believe in Jesus' virgin birth who don't give a good Goddamn if two dudes want to get married to legitimize their love, who don't mind paying more taxes to open up another homeless shelter. Take everyone and everything on a case-by-case basis, decide for yourself what you want to believe and mind your own fucking business when it comes to how someone wants to, as long as it doesn't hurt another living creature, lead their life. If you are going to claim to be a Christian, try to be Christ-like and don't shove it down anyone's throat. If you are going to claim to be a firm believer of science, try to be informed and don't shove your beliefs down anyone's throat.